


Baggins. Bilbo Baggins.

by fuzzybooks



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Bard as Bond Girl, Bilbo as Bond, Bond AU - Freeform, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-03-01
Packaged: 2017-12-04 00:18:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuzzybooks/pseuds/fuzzybooks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a genre swap prompt, Bilbo as James Bond. Meeting Smaug.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baggins. Bilbo Baggins.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sir_Nemo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sir_Nemo/gifts).



> For a genreswap prompt at the hobbit kink meme
> 
> http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/5346.html?thread=11273186#t11273186

I walked up to the bar of the establishment, confidently through the smoke rings and the shady dealings of money going on in the corners.

“Tea, sugar, no milk.” I told the man behind the bar.

I had just made sure that it wasn’t poisoned when he came up to me. A young, handsome man, but clearly in far too deep. Debts that couldn’t be paid.

We shared glances over the bar until he finally spoke.

“You’re not exactly inconspicuous Master Hobbit, and neither is your dwarf companion. He should have skipped the hat.” Bard paused. “But you knew that already. Might I know your name?” I smirked at him, he was quite correct about the hat of course, thought besides the obvious charm of it, it was a small diversion.

“Baggins. Bilbo Baggins.” I flashed him my most winning smile, the one that made them all swoon, “Now, I can take care of those guards keeping you captive, if you take me to Smaug.” Bard’s smile dimmed as he hesitated. Finally he looked at me again.

“You have 15 minutes Mr. Baggins, don’t be late.” He said and sauntered off.

As he was walking away, I could hear a voice in my ear, the new quartermaster - who looked like a starfish- was warning me not to trust this man. I snorted and picked the device from my ear, dropping it in the, wasted, cup of tea.

120 minutes, 2 fight scenes and boat sex later, I found myself in Erebor, facing Smaug. Tied to a chair.

“Bilbo Baggins. So predictable. Did you really think I would allow you to come in here and have me part with all this gold? Oh no…”

At this I tuned him out, if you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times you know?

While he was busy monologuing, I used my quick wits to outsmart him and made my daring escape.

I know G said to get the mountain back unharmed, clearly he should hire a different quartermaster, how was I supposed to know that the red button would set off a bomb that would blow it up?

Another mission accomplished, I thought as I carried the Arkenstone back to base.


End file.
